Dear Vanessa,
My husband and I are both 58, still working, and still paying off our mortgage. Our two adult children, in their early 20s, still live at home with us. Between the mortgage, bills, and supporting them, money is tight, and retirement feels like a long way off.
My mum, who is 80, recently told my kids before she even told me that she plans to leave her house directly to them when she passes, not to me. She says it’s so expensive for young people to buy property and she wants to give them a leg up.
I love that her intention is to help them, but it really hurt to be left out of the conversation. My husband keeps saying I should tell her that we need the money too, but I don’t want to make her feel guilty or worry about me. I just wish she had asked what I thought before making promises.
Now that the kids know about it, they’re almost waiting for that inheritance. It’s changed the way they talk about money, and I worry it’s made them less motivated to work harder for themselves, thinking that a big windfall is on the way.
Am I wrong to feel upset?
— Gwen
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Dear Gwen,
You are not wrong at all. What you’re feeling is completely natural.
Wills are never just about money; they’re about being recognised, included, and respected. Your mum’s decision may have come from love and generosity, but telling your kids before talking to you has created a big emotional gap.
It’s wonderful that she wants to help your children in a tough housing market. But what she may not see is that you and your husband are still carrying heavy financial responsibilities, and her approach has created a problem for the next generation. By promising them her house now, she’s given them a sense of certainty that can easily take away the hunger to build their own future.
That’s why this situation needs both honesty and planning.
First, I’d encourage you to have a calm, open conversation with your mum—not about demanding her money, but about how her choice makes you and your husband feel, and the effect it’s already having on your kids. Let her know you love her intention but wish you had been consulted first.
Second, this is a moment where a financial planner could really help—not just for you, but for your mum too. They can show her options that might help the grandchildren without undermining their motivation or causing you and your husband to feel excluded. They can also suggest practical ways to structure an inheritance so it doesn’t create more problems than it solves.
If you’d like to explore this, you can use my free link to find an adviser.
This isn’t just about who gets what; it’s about family relationships and preparing the next generation to stand on their own feet. Your feelings are valid, and by raising this gently now, you give everyone a better chance of keeping both the love and the money intact.
All the best,
Vanessa
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-15163089/FLOURISHING-50-Mum-promised-kids-house-left-out.html?ns_mchannel=rss&ns_campaign=1490&ito=1490
